1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m . is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell!”
Tag Archive for 'funny'Page 2 of 4
So yesterday afternoon I jumped out of work for a bit to attend a live taping of the Colbert Report! I ain’t gonna lie, it was pretty freakin’ sweet. The tickets took me like six months to get - it was a total pain in the ass. And then we got to wait an hour and a half in the freezing cold. Thanks guys. AND I had to go back to work until midnight in order to make up for the lost time. But it was totally worth it.
He interviewed Donna Shalala, who was Clinton’s former HHS Secretary. Big Whoop. But the best part was before the taping, he did a Q&A session with the audience. Colbert is just his normal self (i.e. not in character) during the Q&A, but it was amazing to see how high energy he is. He was totally amped, doing sight gags, hopping around, totally unlike the character he plays. As you know, Bill O’Reilly (”Papa Bear”) and Colbert appeared on each other’s shows recently. It was a ratings hit.
So anyway, during the Q&A, someone asked Colbert what he really thought of O’Reilly:
Audience Member: “What is Bill O’Reilly like in real life?”
Colbert: “A complete tool.”
True story. Like I said, pretty freakin’ sweet.
Update: I was able to get independent confirmation from someone else who was at the show here, at Colbert’s fan website, ColbertNation.com. She added that “The way he said it was funny, too. He really put emphasis on the word “complete”.” 
Not as good as the first, but pretty funny. (click the white space below) This link works if the video below doesn’t.
This guy is SICK; A MUST WATCH.
If you don’t watch it yet, you should. It’s hilarious. The last episode was all about how some girls have “crazy eyes,” which my buddy Dave and I used to talk about all the time in law school. As in, “stay away from her shes got the CRRRRRRRRAZY EYES!” (while shaking your jowls back and forth). Also, they had this thing about how nicknames for guys start. Brilliant. Go put it on your DVR, since you will never ordinarily find it (being as it is on CBS, which normally only geezers watch). Also, the Unit is great, and Friday Night Lights is awesome. I am in love with Layla! Screw Lost and their 3 month hiatus!
me: u there?
Sammy: yeah
me: do you think that a guy with a diploma on his wall is a “that guy” as in dont be “that guy”?
Sammy: ehhhh….kind of depends on the context
doctors - no
me: i have mine in a rollup carton somewhere
not even framed
i wonder if i should frame it or something
me: lawyers?
Sammy: but associates, especially junior one, yeah definitely
Sammy: anyone junior should not be trying to front
me: haha
Sammy: you’re just asking for someone more senior than you w/ an inferiority complex that went to a “worse” school to just bitch you night and day i know I’d do that to someone
me: yeah true
Sammy: i’d be like….how’s that harvard mba treating you now??? make me some coffee bitch
me: hah!
Sammy: but if its someone w/ a big office, then its just decoration - as long as it goes WOOO WOOO
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