subways are broken
at least i’m not from brooklyn
not so smug now, huh?

walking is for poors
sweating like an animal
swamp ass is a bitch

this is such B.S.
isn’t this america?
New York is third world

the M.T.A. blows
thank you for nothing bloomberg
what are taxes for?

Nice weather in New York really brings the D-bags out of the woodwork. The following two examples are true stories of real NYC douchebags that I saw in the last few weeks:

If you are a fobby Indian in a Hummer H3 (which, by the way, is the official car of the douchebag) thumping the Panjabi MC/Jay-Z song from 2003 from your car stereo, then you are a DOUCHEBAG!

If you subject everyone around you in the subway to hiphop played from your tinny-sounding cellphone, then you are a DOUCHEBAG! Of course, your cellphone is “ruggedized,” because a gangsta lifestyle means your cellphone needs to be ready in case things get “heated.”

Without really knowing it, I started to watch a movie about New York. The movie takes place right during the Great Blackout of 2003. Of course, everyone has their own Blackout story, and maybe another day I’ll tell mine. But everyone will tell you that it was one of those few days that you really felt any sense of community here. So in a way, it was one of the best things to ever happen in Manhattan. But back to the movie.

Now Shortbus is one seriously fucked up movie. But some moments are beautifully and brilliantly written. Some lines really resonated with me. Like: “9-11. It’s the only thing real that’s ever happened to them.” In a perfect arc, the movie begins with a recollection of an event that brought New Yorkers together for what felt like the first time ever, and ends with another event which had a similar effect. 9-11 was the day we mourned together, but the Blackout was the day we rejoiced together.

However, the part of the movie that had the most gravitas was the soliloquy by the ex-Mayor (played magnificently by Alan Mandell). I’ll excerpt it here:

But you know what’s the most wonderful thing about New York?…New Yorkers are…permeable…Therefore we’re sane. Consequently, we’re the target of the impermeable. And the insane. And of course, New York is where everyone comes to be forgiven. What have you done wrong? Tell me, how have you sinned? I’m sure it’s nothing serious.

How would you know?

Well, I’m– I’m sure you did your best. Imagine if you grew up here like I did. Home can be very unforgiving.

On that note, here are some of my favorite pictures from Rio. From the angle, it looks like he is hovering in the clouds. Click to open them.

Who has ridden along New York’s 656 miles of subway lines and not wondered: “What if I fell to the tracks as a train came in? What would I do?” And who has not thought: “What if someone else fell? Would I jump to the rescue?”

Mr. Autrey was waiting for the downtown local at 137th Street and Broadway in Manhattan around 12:45 p.m. He was taking his two daughters, Syshe, 4, and Shuqui, 6, home before work.

Nearby, a man collapsed, his body convulsing. Mr. Autrey and two women rushed to help, he said. The man, Cameron Hollopeter, 20, managed to get up, but then stumbled to the platform edge and fell to the tracks, between the two rails.

The headlights of the No. 1 train appeared. “I had to make a split decision,” Mr. Autrey said.

So he made one, and leapt.

Mr. Autrey lay on Mr. Hollopeter, his heart pounding, pressing him down in a space roughly a foot deep. The train’s brakes screeched, but it could not stop in time.

Five cars rolled overhead before the train stopped, the cars passing inches from his head, smudging his blue knit cap with grease. Mr. Autrey heard onlookers’ screams. “We’re O.K. down here,” he yelled, “but I’ve got two daughters up there. Let them know their father’s O.K.” He heard cries of wonder, and applause.

Full story here (registration required)

2. Do not have children. Do not bring them outdoors to slow everybody down. If through some horrible accident you are unlucky enough to have two young children, for the love of God, do NOT buy one of those goddamn double-wide strollers. You’d be better off picking the one you love the most and giving the other one to charity or something.

3. No holding hands in the streets, unless its to create a two-person wide swath for ME. Your PDA is obnoxious enough without me getting clotheslined by it. This rule is waived on Saturday and Sunday afternoons only.

4. Please put your gigantic bags on your right side. If you are on Broadway between 26th and 30th Streets, please put your gigantic garbage bags on your right side.

5. If you are about to go down the stairs to the subway, and you see 1,000 people trying to get upstairs all at once, newsflash! – you missed the train. Kindly wait at the top of the stairs off to the side and let everyone out. It will make your life and their lives easier, and you weren’t going to make that train anyway.

6. Baby strollers are not cow catchers. Stop using your kids as human shields.

7. Size matters. As in, if I am bigger than you, get out of the way. That includes your puny arms, and your gigantic bags. If you are bigger than me, I will get out of your way.

8. The blinking hand means “move faster”, not “stop at the curb and block the path to freedom.”

9. If you are going to come up from my left, cut me off and then take a right, you better damn well make sure that you are moving fast enough, because otherwise I am going to stomp right on your heels.

10. When the little man in white lights up, that means to all you douchebags in your SUV’s trying to make right turns: YIELD. That’s right bitch.

11. Go with the flow. You are not a North Atlantic King Salmon, so stop ruining it for everyone by trying to swim upstream.

12. Walk on the right hand side of the sidewalk. Anything less would be communist. Even within the right hand side, there should be two speeds. Midwestern tourists and cows on the far right. Enjoying the view? That’s precious. Get the fuck on the right side. Walking at a normal pace? Congratulations, you can use the left hand side of the right. Allow me to demonstrate with this handy diagram:

That’s pretty much it! If you have any better ideas, let me know.

Basically it says that by switching your energy provider (ConEd remains your utility, but the energy is supplied by a third party), you can save money on your electricity bill. And apparently, you immediately save 7% for the first two months on top of any savings you get from the lower power rates. Also, switching eliminates sales tax you pay on your energy. Any discount on a commodified service like electricity is great, especially since my bill is like $80 bucks a month.

However, there is no streamlined process to learn which ESCO’s (the energy providers) give you the best deal. The fact that this is such a bitch probably explains the following statistic:

As of March 2, 2006 the following customer percentages are currently registered with an ESCO:

55.6% of large commercial/industrial customers;
39%of small commercial customers and
6.7% of residential customers.

But my confusion is your gain:

ACCENT ENERGY MIDWEST, LLC
Phone: 1-800-928-7775

I spoke with an Accent Rep, who explained that their fixed rate is 16.6 c/Kwh, and variable rate is between 7 and 14 c/Kwh. The highest the variable rate has been this year is 19 c/Kwh. Their fixed rate has a cancellation fee of $100 in the first 12 months. Variable rate has no cancellation fee.

I had emailed them earlier and their fixed rates were:

12 MONTHS 16.23 cents per kWh
24 MONTHS 16.53 cents per kWh
36 MONTHS 16.56 cents per kWh

CON EDISON SOLUTIONS
Phone: 1-888-320-8991
Their fixed rate is 14.8 c/Kwh. Hippies can elect the Green Power (environmentally friendly) option for 15.8 c/Kwh.

DIRECT ENERGY SERVICES LLC
Phone: 1(866) 348-4194

From their website: A 12 month stable price of $0.1599 per kWh with the first two billing cycles set at 10% off to $0.1439 per kWh.

ECONNERGY ENERGY COMPANY, INC.
Phone: 1-800-805-8586
They offer variable rate only, and their current variable rate is 13 c/Kwh.

HESS CORPORATION
Phone: 800-437-7265

It was not immediately apparent that they will service NY, because Con-Ed doesn’t list them as an option on their website. I might do a little more digging later.

HUDSON ENERGY SERVICES, LLC
Phone: 1-877-HUDSON9, 201-251-2400
Variable Rate is always guaranteed to be .1 c/Kwh less than Con-Ed’s variable rate. Their fixed rate is 14.494 c/Kwh, with a $250 cancellation fee for (I think) the first year. I spoke with “Joe” at x113.

IDT ENERGY, INC.
Phone: 1-877-887-6866

It was not immediately apparent that they will service NY, because Con-Ed doesn’t list them as an option on their website. However, they have a variable rate option which is currently 10.9 c/Kwh.

LIBERTY POWER CORP LLC
Phone: 1-866-769-3799 or 1-954-771-1463
Liberty’s rate is variable, but identical to Con Ed’s variable rate. That doesn’t appeal to me.

MX ENERGY
Phone: 1-800-375-1277

MX offers a variable rate currently at 12.5 c/Kwh, and a fixed rate at 15.8 c/Kwh.

NEW YORK ENERGY SAVINGS CORP
Phone: 1-888-674-7847

NYESC’s offers a fixed rate for five years is 16.9 c/Kwh. The cancellation fee is .15c/kWH times annual usage times the remainder of your five year contract. That’s pretty prohibitive. Pass.

ROBISON ENERGY LLC
Phone: 914-345-5700
It was not immediately apparent that they will service NY, because Con-Ed doesn’t list them as an option on their website. Robison’s website is not very informative. I might do a little more digging later.

SPARK ENERGY, L.P.
Phone: 888-877-7569
Spark offers a variable rate (currently 12.9 c/Kwh), but they have a monthly fee of $4.95 a month (acc. to their website). That doesn’t sound too great.

Result? MX and Econnergy look to be the best variable rate options to me. The fixed rate options are generally less appealing to me since I may move and I don’t want to be stuck in a contract. I will probably go with MX for a bit and see how it goes.

It’s weird that this particular song was in my head, because on my way to pick up lunch I was crossing the street in the way of a cab which had stopped but then decided it wanted to move forward again. True, I was jaywalking, but who doesn’t in New York, and after all, he stopped. Anyway, the guy honked and I gave him a scowl. He then yelled out my race (Indian), as if that was some kind of epithet. I casually gave him the New York Salute and walked on.

Coincidence?

Anyone that gives money to the the United Homeless Organization, or UHO, is an utter chump. I’ve always suspected that it was just a scam run by a bunch of homeless people to get you to give them money. Today, I did some surfing around on the internet and found out I was right.

Basically it works like this: A suspicious individual sits at a table with a water jug with the letters “UHO” on it and begs you to spare a dime, a nickle, EVEN A PENNY! to help the homeless.

So you reach for some loose change, but what you should realize unless you are a complete sucker is that any fool with a water jug could do this, and that your money is not going to help the homeless, but this homeless guy right here. If you really want to help the homeless, try donating to a reputable charity. According to the NY Post, (alt link) 80% of the money goes directly to the guy who is aggressively bellowing at you. Its nothing more than organized panhandling. You have to feel sorry for the homeless people involved in this scam, but the shame goes to the UHO itself, for profiting off of the panhandling of its “employees.” It is a complete racket, and smacks of a pyramid scheme. Someone should investigate their finances.

We tried:
Chanterelle: Rhubarb Consomme over Honey & Yogurt Creme (my friend thought this was better than I did – he raved about it)
Edwards: Chili Hot Dogs (its a hot dog)
Scalini Fedeli: Porcini Mushroom Ravioli w/Truffle Cream Sauce (I never got to try this but heard it was the best thing out there)
Dylan Prime: Prime Rib & Rock Shrimp (the Prime Rib was like salty roast beef, but the Rock Shrimp was great)
Acapella: Mushroom Ravioli (damn good)
Bubbys: BBQ Brisket Sandwiches (this was the most filling dish)
Duane Park Patisserie: Magic Cupcakes (meh, I think all cupcakes are overrated)
Cercle Rouge: Chicken Wings w/ Blue Cheese (this in my opinion, was the best dish – they take off one of the bones and roll down the wing, then deep fry it. It was awesome.)

Then we got sauced at the wine tasting at Tribeca Wine Merchants. They served a wine out of this special vacuum sealed cylindrical box (NOT FRANZIA!) that was actually a suprisingly good chardonnay. The rest of the wines were not that great.

The little puppy who wouldn’t let go of its owner was the highlight of the day. I want a bulldog.