Shitty things that newspapers and their writers do.

So I sat down this weekend with a copy of the Sunday Times (if you don’t know the right one, you should kill yourself), one of my favorite things to do…but several little things kept annoying me about it. I made this list of things shitty news writers do, although its not limited to writers of the Times. I also cull disdain from that scion of journalistic integrity, “A.M. New York,” since a hobo handed it to me on my way down the subway.

1. Constantly use the same obscure word or phrase multiple times in the same article or page. Yes we are all very proud that you went to Oberlin, now can you please stop using the word “genuflect” over and over again? Once was too much.
2. Refer to blogs or Wikipedia as your source of information. Citing Wikipedia should result in automatic disqualification from the news reporting business. Get off your fat ass and pound some pavement, you lazy shit.

3. Use the word “smarmy” or snarky” without being sarcastic. I can totally picture douchebag ad execs giving each other high-fives and using these words to describe their latest Kia commercial.

4. Talk about Youtube or some other “cutting edge” media outlet to grab my attention and display your ‘with it’-ness, only to snake me into reading your eye-gougingly boring and insufferable piece on…(what else?) feminism.

5. For that matter, write like, act like, look like, be like or be Maureen Dowd.

6. Report the news like everything is an undiscovered mystery. Barcelona was there before you wrote about it.

7. Write about the “struggle” that overweight (read:fat) people have in this country. Go tell it to an Ethopian, tubby.

8. Trick me into reading an advertisement by using the Times font and style. Putting “Advertisment” in a tiny font at the bottom of the page doesn’t make it right, people.

9. Write about the arrival of West Coast peculiarities like Trader Joe’s as if the freaking pope just came to town. Related annoyance: comparing NY eateries to West Coast counterparts like In-n-Out (low end) or French Laundry (high end). What’s next, are we all going to become lazy too?

10. Organize single pages like Real Estate or Automobiles as an entire section, even though it is only one real page flanked by dozens of pages of ads. Who do they think they are fooling? How ’bout you compile all those mini sections in one place and have a separate section called “Classifieds.” You know, the way it used to be before you got all snarky on us?

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