Rules of NYC Sidewalks

1. If you are not making the way, you are in the way.

2. Do not have children. Do not bring them outdoors to slow everybody down. If through some horrible accident you are unlucky enough to have two young children, for the love of God, do NOT buy one of those goddamn double-wide strollers. You’d be better off picking the one you love the most and giving the other one to charity or something.

3. No holding hands in the streets, unless its to create a two-person wide swath for ME. Your PDA is obnoxious enough without me getting clotheslined by it. This rule is waived on Saturday and Sunday afternoons only.

4. Please put your gigantic bags on your right side. If you are on Broadway between 26th and 30th Streets, please put your gigantic garbage bags on your right side.

5. If you are about to go down the stairs to the subway, and you see 1,000 people trying to get upstairs all at once, newsflash! – you missed the train. Kindly wait at the top of the stairs off to the side and let everyone out. It will make your life and their lives easier, and you weren’t going to make that train anyway.

6. Baby strollers are not cow catchers. Stop using your kids as human shields.

7. Size matters. As in, if I am bigger than you, get out of the way. That includes your puny arms, and your gigantic bags. If you are bigger than me, I will get out of your way.

8. The blinking hand means “move faster”, not “stop at the curb and block the path to freedom.”

9. If you are going to come up from my left, cut me off and then take a right, you better damn well make sure that you are moving fast enough, because otherwise I am going to stomp right on your heels.

10. When the little man in white lights up, that means to all you douchebags in your SUV’s trying to make right turns: YIELD. That’s right bitch.

11. Go with the flow. You are not a North Atlantic King Salmon, so stop ruining it for everyone by trying to swim upstream.

12. Walk on the right hand side of the sidewalk. Anything less would be communist. Even within the right hand side, there should be two speeds. Midwestern tourists and cows on the far right. Enjoying the view? That’s precious. Get the fuck on the right side. Walking at a normal pace? Congratulations, you can use the left hand side of the right. Allow me to demonstrate with this handy diagram:

That’s pretty much it! If you have any better ideas, let me know.

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